I Want To be Cool 2

AN ANNOUNCEMENT

2008-04-14T07:53:48Z

FOR THOSE THAT WERE WAITING,

MONA MEDUSA (MY BAND)
RELEASED OUR SECOND RECORDING TODAY

"BLOOD ON BLOOD"

ITS KILLER. I MEAN THAT.
WITH MY HEART.

GO LISTEN ...

THIS IS A LINK! CLICKIE!

MONA MEDUSA is ready

2008-01-21T17:54:21Z

My band's first recorded and mixed song, "Catharsis", has been posted on our Myspace.
Go check it out, and add us if you dig it.

Click Here to Listen / ADD

Lyrics

2008-01-17T18:14:14Z

A Crash, A Signal
performed by Mona Medusa
written by Michael Lewis

All my life
A crash, a signal
the taste fading in my mouth
a birthday for they
be skeletons
an anniversary
elegant
All my life
A crash, a signal

the truth, be it ugly
it's time for the chained to be free
rise

flying high, this feeling
red feathers stripe the sky
red feathers fly
they shoot to kill but
they won't gun you down
The world will see
phoenix fire on the clouds
hear the music, turn around
i saw them coming

i heard them ride
i heard them ride
i heard them ride

I disappear

All my life
a crash, a signal
speaking with a tongue of flame
be us victorious
but they call us insane
ideas consecrate

All my life
A crash, a signal
a world away
a girl in a window

Lyrics

2008-01-17T18:13:34Z

What Is Will Be
performed by Mona Medusa
written by Michael Lewis

I can be no witness on
anything pure and simple
I can hear the moan of the siren
of my soul, it calls me
what is will be
and it will bring the dawning
let go and sink
feel a rush beneath your skin

i bring the tidal wave to the shore
i lay the land i set the score
i am the villain in my tales of woe
i learn to let it go

i can be i can be
i will be what is will be
hear it calling, across the sea
a siren song for the boy in me

i've made my sanctuary here
and they break it down they break it down
i lay the land i lay the land

with one hand i separate my mind
a clear conscious from a vengeful kind
i am part of it all
i am a piece of the overall
again in my thoughts i hear it rain

I am the laission
to the masters of my art
I can hear the siren
singin in the dark
it finds me
what is will be
as we escape the dawning
i tear through the thatches
and i tear myself apart

Lyrics

2008-01-17T18:12:01Z

Catharsis
performed by Mona Medusa
written by Michael Lewis

this aint no catharsis and i really dont care
destiny hides
this is the start of a deep incision
a reason, a lamp to light

everyday I wake up
i wanna scream from the mountain tops

oh oh oh
i burned all my bridges
i had no way to stop it
turn back to where i came from
gasp for breath to know i'm breathin
open up those eyes

all of these visions
are dreams and delusions
and I don't mind
you see, every way I've ever taken
was mine

While I wander, I do wonder
what is the beast inside
when we meet, will we see
that we are just alike?

oh oh oh
i burned all my bridges
i had no way to stop it
turn back to where i came from
turn back to where i came from
turn back to where i came from
and opened up my eyes

lol

2008-01-09T04:30:41Z

the furious wind is sweeping a stampede of my neighbor's garbage cans down the street, intermingling their suburban obsessive compulsive disorders in a messy pile of who's is who's of rain-ridden trash containers.

I love it!

Good Worms & Bad Worms

2008-01-08T17:57:23Z

I'm cross-posting this to this profile as well as my LJ. I just wanted to say a few things, make some announcements, revelations, that I think everyone should be able to read.

First of all, it's 12 til Noon and Andrea and Steven should be here in a few hours. We start recording today. We would finish recording today except that Rob has to work, so we're going to lay down the bass and one of the guitar tracks. I'm pretty confident that I keep time really well without percussion, but I'd like to play with a tick in my ear if I could. I hope thats what method we're using. So, sooner that I think, we should have music uploaded for you wonderfuls to listen to. And you don't want to miss out on yours truly whippin' out some vocals.
We're recording songs 1 and 4, "Catharsis" and "What Is Will Be", respectively. I really can't communicate how excited I am. Imagine if a penguin realized he could fly. That might work.

I was reading through some of my journal posts from the second half of last year, and some of the things I wrote made me feel good about the way things are for me, currently. When I was trying to write some songs as a solo artist and struggling massively with creativity, I said that I wanted to be in a band again, more than anything. I said, "hopefully by the end of Sping I'll have started a band".
Looks like I did it ahead of schedule. I can't forget that either; I started this band. Given, it wasn't very difficult. All four of us know we work well together. But it was that last inch of disatisfaction that got the ball rolling. Literally, one day I said, "fuck it", pulled the drums out of the closet, called Rob up, and started a band. At the time, I wasn't positive that Steven and Andrea would want to play with us. But they did, and things have been really, really awesome since then. We're not as tight together as we could be, but we've only been playing again for three weeks. Mona Medusa isn't even a month old yet, and she's starting to record her demo today.

I'm very, very proud of what we have. I've tried to explain to people the feeling of collaborative music; Unity. To make, to mix, art. I can never adecquately describe the feeling of playing something you love, to give it to people. I don't make music to appease my ego. Never. I make music for the sole purpose of giving the world something to listen to. To be in the thickness of that opportunity once again, with people that I care very much about, it is a blessing. It makes me want to jump up and click my heels. Sometimes I do.

I'm not proud of it, but I have really screwed parts of my life over in the name of my passions. Being productive makes me feel alive. It washes over all of the bullshit parts of my day to day, it makes everything better. It's what I was meant to do. I feel it. I feel pity for people who don't understand that, people like my selfish ex, who would call me a "loser". I think it takes a lot of courage to believe in yourself, to believe in art. It's easy to believe in the system. That's what we're born in to. I'll never apologize for straying from the path, for being a loser, for taking my one life and deciding to make beauty with it instead of money. I do what makes me happy. What makes me happiest most is knowing that I am a medium for the divine movement of the universe to express itself in music, the most real thing I know.

Albeit that I am in an optimistic mood and I'm been ecstatic about Mona Medusa lately, there are still way too many bad apples in my tree. Let me tell you about the worms.

First of all, I've been pretty sickly these last few days. My sinuses, for lack of a better word, are fucked. I have a sore throat too. My fever has ran away but I still feel drained. All I've been doing these past three days has been laying in bed, sitting at this computer, and playing SNES games. I wish I had a snazzy grandfather to come over and read me stories "of pirates, giants, monsters, fighting, chases, escapes, true love"

I love The Princess Bride.

Josh and I are not nearly cordial to each other anymore. Now it's name calling and him trying to rub shit in my face. I wonder if he sincerely thought telling me he shacked up with some guy was going to make me angry. Jealous? These unintelligent Kentucky boys forget very easily that I'm untouchable. "You can't hold me down. You know I'm unstoppable". I understand the jealousy though. I have things in my life, other than money and drugs, that make me happy. I am an authentic human being, a troubadour of the soul; Not a product of the system. Rejoice!

Yours truly is going to stay single until the cows come home. 2008 is all about my hand. Le sigh.

That's all for now

Rainbow Lynchings

2008-01-07T08:19:59Z

I used to be kind of angry about Obama beating out Hillary. But now I think I have a sense of connectedness.
As much as I think Obama is still 2nd best, I can't wait until he's president.
Just so that every time I hear some at-the-mouth disrespectful black guy bitching about equality, I can throw the fact that we have a black president in his face.
Because when you live in a metropolitan area that is 40% african american, shit gets really old.
and don't even accuse me of being a racist. you know EXACTLY what i mean.

people need to get over themselves :-(

Human Behaviour

2008-01-07T04:10:26Z

Some people are simple and stupid and need others who are also simple and stupid. Sometimes people aspire to achieve what they know will not suit them. Everyone, at one point in their life, wants to marry to musician. Everyone wants to be taken to Africa in the throws of the forbade.
I, should smarten up.
"I am not an ordinary person and I refuse to live an ordinary life"
So says the stone it's set in.
It's time for me to blush for me. From way up here, they are ants.
In the end it turned out to be my insecurity, not my arrogance, that tossed me around.
Ladies and gentlemen we are currently flying at 35,000 feet.
They'll never understand. It isn't their fault, but they'll never understand.
Here I am.
Here I go.

What Is Will Be

I can bear no witness on anything pure and simple
I can feel the moan of the siren of my soul
calling, "what sings, what sings
Will bring the falling"
Of all of the things I ever loved
There won't be much more

In my thoughts
I can hear it rain
It says "What is will be"
"What is will be"

I have been called from the inside
I have been bled from the outside
And I will fall back within myself
Over and over again

In my thoughts
I can hear it rain
It says "What is will be"
What is will be.

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

2008-01-06T13:29:53Z

must sleep
brain malfunctioning
feet cold eyes sore
must play more breath of fire 2
mountain dew
struggling
struggling

i give up

Attention Everyone

2008-01-04T20:45:53Z

If you'd like a very top secret, sneak peak at one of Mona Medusa's first songs, click the link below.

Keep in mind the track is instrumental, and is a recording of a practice session. There are minor discretions here and there.

Just tell me what you think. I'm curious to know.

download MONA MEDUSA - "Catharsis"

Note: If you listen, do not share it with anyone. Please comment and tell me what you think of the song as well. Also, turn it the fuck up because the low end is a little loud and the guitars are the coolest part.

Confetti

2008-01-02T08:28:19Z

It's 2008. I feel good about that. I haven't made a post in a little while so I figure I should induct my tedious journaling into the new year with a lengthy, albeit non informative tirade about life, love, my weekend, my band, and three bottles of cheap vodka.

I'd like to think that I'm going to adapt a new outlook on life with the change of the last number I now write on forms. It's not a big deal. It's not 2008 on every calender, you Gregorians.
There are so many resolutions that I could make, so many thing I could take more seriously, so many things I could make more haste with. But with four years to go until the Mayan Armaggedon, who has time to waste on self improvement. I sure don't!

The past few days have been pretty similar. The band has been doing puzzles non stop, a new hobby that I somehow introduced. So far we've finished a 1,000 piece, a 500 piece, and a 750 piece. I will say that I get kind of lazy about puzzles and after looking at them for a few hours I start to get vertigo, but it's fine. There's always someone itching to get that pieces-together fix. I like it. We've made some more progress in the band. It's coming a little bit slower than I really hoped for, but thats OK. It's good to be patient. We have four songs laid out. Two of them are almost complete, that is to say that each member feels almost 100% comfortable, and I have some sort of semi contentment with the vocals (which can always be changed and will naturally improve with time). I've written the lyrics and know the vocal melody for two of the songs, both which have names. "Catharsis", and "Rain".
I was thinking about posting the lyrics here. I might do that. I was thinking maybe I shouldn't, but I really can't think of any justifiable reasons why not.

I've been drinking more than I should too. Cheap liquor has lured me back. I'm not drinking every day by any means, but it's so cheap and so easy. I'm basically immune to the taste of cheap vodka, and the buzz is so nice and familiar. It's a nice night cap after band practice and dinner, before watching a movie or trolling this dang ol' internet. But I'll be an alcoholic if I want to.

Onto New Years Eve. Yours truly had but one sip of red wine, but he did do something a lot more fun slash crazy. Erik, Allison, Taylor, and I all dropped LSD and went to the Cincinnati Orchestra. It was flipping crazy. Afterward we went back to Erik's for cooking, playing with clay, and watching Upright Citizen's Brigade. I'll always remember that night as being the strangest New Years ever. It was enjoyable though.
God, that fucking acid was strong. I'm staying away from it for a while. It really was a lot stronger than any I've ever done, even though it was only one hit. Visually, it was really intense. Especially after we got back to the house. I'm still recovering. My brain has that heavy, grainy feeling still. I didn't get much sleep either so I'm a bit lagged anyway.

Still, tonight, I won't sleep much. I've got SNES games to play.
And tomorrow, band practice again.

I wish I had more exciting days to talk about, but I'm comfortable with a coasting life; for now.

Bah.
I need to get laid.

mikeylewis @ 2007-12-30T13:20:00

2007-12-30T18:21:02Z

There isn't much to journal about when all you do is play music and drink. things have been ok though.
I'll make an update later. Just wanted to obstruct your friends page with a "HEY HOW YA DOIN? HOW YA REALLY DOIN"?

<3
have a good one

Skycaptain

2007-12-25T12:42:29Z

Merry Christmas, Livejournal.
I don't have much to say but I figured I'd leave a post assuring you that I am still alive.

look at this sweet leather bomber jacket I bought yesterday.
$300 dollars worth of the sexiest article of clothing I've ever owned

u like?

LMAO

2007-12-25T12:19:59Z

Joey6565: He bought a menorah and didn't even light any of the candles. He's THAT cheap.

Everyone Would Have A Dozen Bluebirds

2007-12-23T09:53:34Z

2007 Survey behind the cut

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I fell in love with camping

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't have a resolution

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No

5. What countries did you visit?

USA, Mexico

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

A substantial relationship!

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 25th & 26th
February 13th

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I completed a few dreams this year

9. What was your biggest failure?

Let's not go there

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
So far, a pretty nice bass amp

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Taylor, for his adventurous nature

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Pretty much everyone I dated this year

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, bills, cigarettes, & weed

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Jrock Revolution, Dir en grey in Chicago, Getting a car, Band getting back together

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Sadly, probably "Gimme More" or "Stronger"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Way, way happier

b) fatter or skinnier?
Pretty much the same

c) richer or poorer?
Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Made more money

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Tossing my heart around

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?
At home with the family I guess

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

22. How many one night stands?
One, but that one night stand turned out to be the person I fell in love with

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch TV

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hmmm no

25. What was the best book you read?
"Thus Spoke Zarathustra", Nietzsche

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Rediscovering myself in this new band.
But besides that, probably Beirut

27. What did you want and get?
A new computer

28. What did you want and not get?
Tons of things

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Harry Potter. Nothing good really came out

30. What did you do on your birthday?
Went to the hookah bar

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Keeping love

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Underwear-always-showing

33. What kept you sane?
Friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lindsey Lohan. rawr.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Blah

36. Who do you miss?
No one too much

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I wish I could say

38. What was the best thing you ate?
Human

My Rock Hard Audible Penis

2007-12-22T21:53:14Z

Let me tell you first, that I'm in a good mood. I rarely ever am when comes journal time, but today I'm so up that I'm going to tag my current mood. And I don't ever do that.

Let's go back to the night before last when I was waiting for Josh to show up. He never did, of course. He didn't call me. He claims he sent a text that I never got, but I don't believe that. I know what's up with him. He feels productive and free, he's living up his room for fresh air. I can understand that, but that doesn't mean he can blow me off. We still talk every day, we're not on bad terms at all, and he still bullshits me. Oh well. I was in a bad mood about it for about five minutes until I realized that it wasn't my problem. I went to bed. We practiced the next morning.

Robbie and I hung out in the house until Steven and Andrea showed up. We started a third song, we practiced the rest. We talked about band names and then practiced some more. When 6:30 rolled around and we stopped playing, Andrea decided it would be a cool idea to go get some Chinese buffet. Me, Steven, and Robbie agreed. So we went to First Wok. First Wok has thee best chinese donuts I've ever tasted.

We talked about what we could name our band, if even something in working. We came up with a lot of really good suggestions, and some pretty hilarious ones (ie. The Toasts. Laughing Tomato). But we settled on one. Finally.

A combination of two very influential female figures of history books

Mona Medusa

I like it a lot. I think everyone else does too, though Andrea might prefer we name ourselves after breakfast food ;)

After dinner, Robbie and I hung out. The other half of our band left and Erik, Allison, and April came over. Cue vodka and Music Scene-It the board game. Next thing I know, we were all asleep. Then it was 10am and I was destined to get up and make breakfast for the band before they got here at 11.
I did well, I think. I made a mediocre breakfast with a few nice courses and a few ugly ones. Overall I wasted my time but it was appreciated.
We finished Song 2 and Song 3. Their parts are completed.
The next step is to master playing them
and for me to write lyrics to them
And then sing those lyrics while I play the songs
It shouldn't bee too hard, but it is going to take me time.

I have a new motivation, though, of sorts.
While we were practicing this morning, my bass amp blew out. It completely died. Zap. Finito.
I was pissed. How could I play without a bass amp?
Steven brought up the idea that I could use the PA to play bass and sing through, since there were different inputs and volume levels. I considered it for a second before deciding that, no I needed a new bass amp.

So when Becky Jean came home, I sprang the question on her. MOM I NEED A BASS AMP PLZ!
And she says?
She says ...
"If I buy you a bass amp today, you won't get your car for another two weeks because I won't have the money for it this weekend"
So I say
Hell yes fuck that car I can wait.

So now I have a KUSTOM 200 watt bass amp with two 10s. It's a fucking monster and I am SO excited to break it in. I might just have to go do that.

So we have the practice space
We have the members
We have the equipment
We have the songs
We have the time
I did pretty good at getting this band back together, I'd think!

What's in store for the rest of my day?
A lot of cleaning, a lot of practicing, and a lot of smoking.

I wish I could describe, without sounding corny, how glad I am that music is back in my life. That I'm in a band again. That I'm in a band with my three favorite musicians in the world. Things are almost perfect.

Fate closes one door, opens another amirite?

Friends Poll

2007-12-21T10:42:35Z

Out of these prospective band names, which is the best?
I realize that names rely heavily on the genre, but I'll throw out folk hard rock as what we play.

- Black Fire Fish
- Fiction
- Coup de Grace
- Medusa
- The Firing Squad
- Mad Paint
- Mahjong Champion

It's down to those, for me. So far. Input?

The Sound and The End

2007-12-21T05:32:13Z

My days are starting to blur together like caramel swirl ice cream. The really cheap kind that melts after five minutes in room temperature. I'm not bitching, but things are staying the same. It feels different, it is different, to have something to worry and think about than a relationship. That's not to say that I don't still think about it. I do. But I don't let it bother me. For example, Josh and I had plans to meet up today after He got off of work at 5. He's been bullshitting for 7 hours now. This and that. You know. Truth be told, I don't really give a fuck. I just want my shit back. Seriously, how hard is that.

Despite being stood up, Andrew Bird and I are having a lovely evening. It's nice sitting in the basement amongst all of the musical equipment, set up and warm once again. It really makes me happy to see those drums cleaned and set up. They look brand new, it gives a small hope; Motivation. Our practices are straight forward and productive. I've always felt that our band was unique. Steven, Andrea, Robbie, and myself are all progressive music writers. None of us "just play" our instruments. Things get done fast. We were together for a really long time back in the day. I don't know if any of you remember Ruby Weapon.

But this new band we've started has a ton of promise. Our first song is more explosive than I could have imagined. It definitely turned out to be a comeback anthem. You can feel it, that dusty grungy gypsy rock. It's darker, thicker, but it's still obviously there. I really can not wait to record it so I can hear it in fullness. I still have to write lyrics to it and teach myself to sing and play it at the same time. There isn't a rush though. That's the thing with us, none of us are really singers. But I'm going to try my hand at it because if it worked - it could be something great.
Tomorrow we'll start the third song. I'm excited.
We should record them sometime next week, Steven will mix the songs and we can create a demo.
I'm guessing that after 10-12 songs, we'll book our first show.
I can't wait. Really really really really can't wait.

We don't have an official name yet. Im sure we'll think of one. I tried to make some up, about 50. We'll see in time what works.

Last night Taylor, Allison, and I went to the Hookah bar. I really don't like how popular it is. I wasn't expecting it to be busy at all, but it was packed. I guess the best time to go is in the daytime. It felt good to be there again, ahhh. The sweet sweet taste of Mint Rose.
We came back here, drank some booze, and watched "Nothing But Trouble". We all passed out in my bed like one big gay family. I woke up and carried about my business. Ran some errands, did some chores and laundry. I played my bass. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I hung out with Robbie. I've been waiting on Josh for hours. I have a feeling he's either going to completely stand me up or he's going to come over here at 1am and try to spend the night with me.
Honestly, I would prefer the first, so I could give him another clear example of why he's a douche bag sometimes.
But a small part of me wants to cuddle with his stupid ass.

All hail Dr. Pepper and Marlboro Lights.
Two lovers that will never leave you.

Goodnight lovelies.

To Do List

2007-12-20T19:12:11Z

- Get up from this chair
- Clean this room
- Do the dishes
- Throw in laundry
- Vacuum and stuff
- Practice vox/bass for Songs 1 and 2
- Have annoying talk / exchange with Josh

Arabesque

2007-12-20T07:40:14Z

Quickly, some things.
Because I don't want to write a real entry.

1. Steven and Andrea are officially in the band now
2. We are still undecided on a new band name
3. Went to the hookah bar with Allison & Taylor. Good times.
4. Drinking and fun stuff with Allison now.
5. "Mature" talk with Josh tomorrow. sigh.
6. Still not interested in most things
7. Need to discover some new music
8. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Things to change. Plans to make

Life hasn't given me any terribly exciting stories to tell lately.
I hope soon I'll have something to squeal about.

Stay well.

Rust on the Window

2007-12-19T06:09:27Z

The days are passing more quickly than I thought they would.
Lately I've been feeling at a loss for words.

I don't know if I made a post about this before.
But the band is back together. We start on our second song tomorrow.
After three we're recording them and adding vocals
Courtesy of my tender voice.
We'll see how that goes. We might need a different singer. I don't have anyone in mind though.
I'm surprising myself with the things I'm creating.
This is much darker than what we last made together, back in '05.
I'm ready for it though. I don't know if my neighbors are.

I don't want to talk about Josh anymore so I'm not going to.
Whatever my relationship with him is, I'll keep it for myself.

Listening to low-fi at night makes me realllly tired.

No Country for Old Men sucked.
So did I Am Legend.
Sucked. Sucked. Sucked.

Did no good movies come out this season?

SO many things.
So many ways to not express it.

I guess I'm doing all I can right now. Well, thats not true either.

Tomorrow we have band practice at 1pm. We'll stop around 5pm I guess.
I need to clean the house and throw some laundry in before they get here.
As well as finish deciding what riff I'm going to start writing the song from.

I'm falling back into my Nihilist mind set. I can tell.
I find myself reading Nietzsche again.
I'm smoking more cigarettes than ever.
My headaches never wane.
I've been told it's genius.
But my brain hurts too much to believe it.

Ruby Sunshine

2007-12-17T08:42:37Z

I woke up today with a frog in my throat and an elephant in my head. I crawled out of bed somewhere around 2pm with a massive amount of hours of sleep. Robbie and I played some music. He fell back into the drums a lot better and faster than I'd hoped for. We played a couple things I'd experimented with, but decided on one solid part.

Not long after, April came over. She brought up the idea of going to see I Am Legend, and with nothing else to do we decided to go. But not long after committing to a show time did Steven and Andrea call us up and ask us if we wanted to go to the same movie. So we all went out like the old group of friends we used to so tightly be and we sat through two hours of a very mediocre movie. Personally, I felt like I was watching Cast Away again. I tore through a bag of hot fries and a whole bag of Reese's mini peanut butter cups. That was the best part of the movie.

Afterward, we all decided to come back to my house and play Harry Potter and Music "Scene It". Of course Robbie found the vodka bottle and suggested we got liquored up. We drank a bit, just he and I though.
I got Steven (the guitarist and singer of my old band) to come downstairs with me and I showed him our new practice space and how the drums were set up. Not long after we were down there, he picked up my Fender Cyclone and started thrashing out sweet, sweet riffs. It felt good to hear Steven play again. He's the best guitarist I've ever met.
And not long after that, we were sitting on the floor like old times, him with his guitar and me with my bass, making up slick music. He's coming over tomorrow to play with Robbie and I on our second day of practice for the new band. At this point I'm pretty sure that Steven's going to be the next member. If Andrea decides to pony up as well, then awesome. 2 guitars is better than one.

I feel, again, like I'm at the start of something amazing.

Guys, I have my band back.

And in lesser news, Josh still hasn't tried to reach out to me. I want this game over with. I want to just get it done and stop bullshitting around. I want my stuff back and I want him out of my life. When we don't have anything else to give back to each other, I think I'll be able to move on completely.
For now though, he's driving me fucking crazy.

As good as things get, the elephant in my head never goes away.
Sigh.

Jammin'

2007-12-16T19:23:57Z

I got some decent sleep last night, I guess.
April and Robbie and I smoked a bit of ganja and played Harry Potter Scene It. Then we passed out.
Josh still hasn't texted or called me back.
I'm getting both impatient and tired of this lull of his.
I want the fucking storm!
I'm about to jump in the shower and then go begin writing the first song for the band I start today. Robbie's waiting for me already.
Damn it feels good to have those drums set up.

I just want my boyfriend back. Sorta.

All Go For Red Red Lights

2007-12-16T07:40:57Z

Hey! Now that we're past the emotional tsunami, the water is calming. I'm starting to find out where the currents are and I'm resisting temptation to swim toward them. Today was a day like any other day in this life that I lead, but it was last night that caught my attention.

After I posted that last entry and sat here, reading other people's entries and chatting with Erik on AIM, he asked me to come over. So I did. We picked up a bottle of cheap vodka on the way. I thought I was going to drink the whole thing. My stomach turned, I was mentally exhausted, and there's nothing I wanted more than to get shit faced and lay on Erik's floor listening to Led Zeppelin. Or the Beatles. Or both. But not nearly. I'm not the drinker I once used to be. Shit. When I was 17, I was mixing four or five kinds of liquor three nights a week. I was puking my guts up on the regular. Shit. I could drink 12 shots of E&J, take 10 shots of Shnops, and follow it with a 50/50 coke and Everclear. Those were the days.

Now, I can't force a seventh shot down my throat. I guess I'm dried up. Maybe I'm just getting older than I think. Maybe I've just become a wino.
Altogether, I don't think I'll ever be able to outdrink my old self. We'll see though.

We ended up doing almost exactly what I thought we would; We sat around and smoked and drank and talked shit about other people. I think I did most of the rambling. This and that. Loves and hates. Every day half drunken bitchen. Then came the Golden Girls, and a meek Chris Fedler, who only recognized my existence in passing. That's fine, he deserves his anger. I hope he realizes he's also at loss with that too.

Erik's new roommate is strangely familiar. I've never met him before, but he reminds me of two or three people I know, all in one. Like a neurotic gay man salad, with a big smile and a really loud laugh. I approve. He's cool, so far. We sat up talking for a few hours while I tried to "finish what i started" with the booze at 5am. Needless to say, by 6 I was passed out alone with a cover and pillow too small for Goldilocks' taste. I woke up with the feeling that my lungs were filled with broken glass. How many cigarettes had I smoked the night before?

I've about 1.4 packs of cigarettes each day since Monday. That goes to show how stressed out I've been. Usually I'm at .5 per day. I just had one. I could smoke one again right now.

I got a text from Josh telling me that his cousin was going to come by my house and drop my stuff off. I wasn't having that. We got into an online argument when I ran upstairs and logged onto Erik's computer. He wouldn't answer the phone. I was brash and honest, I was hurt that he would be such a pussy as to not face me on what would seemingly be the last encounter we were both guaranteed. He got his feelings hurt by the things that I'd said, whatever.
But here's the kicker.
I logged onto Myspace and I had a message from Mr. Josh himself. It said, verbatim:
"
I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for ruining things. If I could take it all back I would!
God I am sorry!"

What the fuck?
What am I supposed to think about that? I know Josh well enough to know that that's about as clear as he's going to get on that subject. He won't elaborate further, believe me. I've tried. Am I supposed to think he wants me back? Is he asking for me back?
I asked him what he meant, he just said "I'm sorry and I wanted to tell you"
I told him that this Myspace / IM / Text communication was bullshit and I wanted to talk to him like a human being. He told me he'd call me later. "When the phone's charged"
It's 2:30 and I haven't talked to him on the phone. But we did text each other. Sigh. I refuse to call him first anymore. I don't want him to think he still has that reward from me.
So he tells me he's sad. He sends me an animated picture of a little boy crying through SMS.
I get fed up and I say, "Do you want me or not!?"
He texts back "I do"
I text back "Then what's stopping you"?
he doesn't text me back.

Two hours later I'm in the basement with Robbie and I get a text from him that says "What are you doing"?
I told him I was busy and I couldn't exchange my stuff with him today.
He asked me who I was with
I asked him why he cared
I told him he needed to stop being vague and be honest with me
He doesn't respond to those types of messages.
I said I love you
He said I love you too
I said I miss you
He said I miss you too

Where is the fucking justice in this?! Why can't I get him to respond to anything that is blunt and to the core. I want some god damn answers and I don't feel like sitting around waiting on him because he either doesn't want to hurt my feelings, or he doesn't know what he wants. I don't want to be strung along the side of his stampede if I'm not getting anything out of it but emotional teardown. I want to know whether or not I need to get over him or not. I'm ready to make my move, but because I love him to the center of all of the truths that I know, I'm letting him have the first call. Between the texts of mine that he ignores, he tells me that I'll see him tomorrow. I asked him if he wanted to talk or just get together and exchange our things and leave it at that. He hasn't texted me back since.

I know this shows a severe lack of maturity and respect on his part, but I'm hoping there's a reason. My ideas are all over the place. Either he did something really bad that he doesn't want to confess, leaving the future of our relationship in my unforgiving hands, or he's genuinely being torn by all of his limbs. I don't know. Whatever.
On the way home from Erik's today I was thinking about the scenario in which Josh asks me back out, if it were today. I knew instantly I'd say "No", but now I'm not so sure. I've already told all of my friends what an ass he has been, and I'm going to look like a victim of the cycle of abuse if I go back. But god damn I love that boy.

So Cheers! To my masochistic side!

When I got home I called Robbie and told him to come over.
We set the drums up in the basement. I got some new strings for my bass and put it in low F tuning.
We're gonna start playing tomorrow. I'm really, really excited.
This means Red Red Lights is back. If I can't have a boyfriend, I can at least have a band. Right?

I don't know where my life is going from this point. My headaches are only getting worse, and my cigarette packs are only emptying quicker. I really hope I see the other side of this hill soon. I sure could use some fresh air.
But for now, I'll accept the fact that Josh either fell asleep or is ignoring me, and wait for Robbie and April to get back here so we can finish off that bottle of vodka and play Harry Potter Scene It.

Thanks for listening.
Ciao.